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Whether this is your first issue or your third coffee-fueled read, I’m so glad you’re part of The Friends Theory - a weekly newsletter where we revisit iconic TV moments to make sense of modern life (and ourselves).

This week, we’re taking a page from Phoebe Buffay, queen of chaotic honesty, and asking what might happen if we stopped saying yes to everything (and everyone).

5 min read

The One Where We Say No

Insights from "The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate" (Season 1, Episode 1)

Ever say yes with your mouth while your soul quietly whispers please no?

“I wish I could, but I don’t want to.” - Phoebe Buffay, master of saying what she thinks.

There it is. One of the most iconic lines in Friends history, and maybe one of the most useful.

How many times has that popped into your head, only to be replaced with something like:

“Of course!”
“Would love to!”
“No worries at all!”

Classic. Honest intentions. Dishonest RSVP.

We say yes when we mean no all the time. Sometimes because we care. Sometimes because we’re scared not to. Sometimes because we just don’t know how to say anything else without sounding like a complete moron.

I grew up in Britain, where polite people-pleasing is practically a national pastime. (We apologize when other people bump into us.) You’d think 17 years in the U.S. would’ve taught me how to set a firmer boundary. And yet, there I am, doling out reluctant yeses like free mints at a diner.

And then? I either show up half-heartedly, cancel last minute, or spend the whole time wondering why I’m there at all.

Somewhere in the swirl of over-explaining and guilt-managing…I lose the plot.

Sound familiar?

Why Do We Do This?

Because we live in a culture that worships yes.

Yes to hustle.
Yes to adventure.
Yes to the dinner party, even when you’d rather be at home with your dog and a drink that may or may not involve oat milk.

And sure, some yeses are inevitable. Like putting the duvet cover back on (truly the worst chore) or finally answering that email. Not everything can be a no. Not everything should be.

But when you say yes to everything, your no disappears—and so do you.

Every Yes Is Also a No

Every yes has a cost.

• Yes to another call = no to the breathing room you actually need.

• Yes to the event = no to rest.

• Yes to someone else’s timeline = no to your own pace.

• Yes to their version of success = no to the one that’s actually yours.
  

Like saying yes to five loads of laundry instead of starting the project that might change your life.
Or yes to doom-scrolling instead of showing up.
Yes to self-sabotage disguised as productivity. (hello, it me).

What Makes a Good Yes?

Some yeses are sacred. Expansive. The kind that feel like coming home to yourself.

But to make space for those, you’ve got to get good at the no’s.

This isn’t about becoming a “No Person.”
It’s about becoming someone who knows what their yes is worth.

The Thoughtful No

Saying no doesn’t have to be dramatic. You don’t need a TED Talk or a 10-minute apology. You just need honesty - and a little strategy.

One of the best frameworks I’ve come across came from speaking coach Jefferson Fisher (via Diary of a CEO—highly recommend that episode). His advice?

❌ Skip the “but.”
✅ Start with the no. Then add gratitude. Then kindness.

Why? Because “but” has a sneaky way of erasing everything that came before it.
We’ve all done it:

Cue: guilt, spiraling, and awkwardness.

Instead, try this structure:

Clean. Clear. Kind.

Here are a few more scripts you can borrow, adapt, or keep in your notes app for later:

• Not this time. Thank you for including me. I hope it’s a lovely one.”

• “That doesn’t work for me right now. Grateful you thought of me.”

• “Going to sit this one out and catch up on sleep. Let’s plan something soon?”

• “I’ve got a lot on my plate right now and need to protect my energy.”

Or simply:

Bonus Reminders:

• You don’t need to give a reason (unless it feels right to you).

• You don’t need to apologize (unless you’ve actually done something wrong).

• You are allowed to protect your energy without guilt.

A kind no is still kind. And most people would much rather hear that than a foggy yes followed by silence or burnout.

Some inspiration for your inner desire to say no….

Final Thought

You don’t need to keep saying yes to things that drain you.

Here's to Phoebe-level honesty, with just a bit more grace.

Let me know what lands, or what you’re learning to say no to.

(And if you say no to replying? Still love you.)

Lucy xx

Thanks for reading The Friends Theory. I appreciate you so much ❤️